On Monday, I started telling the story of my breastfeeding experience. If you haven’t read the first part, I would suggest you start there. So, my story continues with W turning a week old and we were in the middle of the vicious cycle of putting him to the breast, trying to use the syringe at the breast and if that didn’t work then I finger fed him using the syringe before someone took him so I could pump for at least 10 minutes with my double pump.
One thing that definitely helped a bit with positioning was the My Breast Friend pillow I bought during my visit to the lactation specialist. I also bought a Hands-Free pumping bra which I could not have survived without! I had originally registered for and received a Boppy but that proved to be less than effective for me when it came to breastfeeding because of the way it sagged in the middle. The My Breast Friend pillow is much more firm and has a strap that went behind my back to help it stay in place. The Boppy came in handy for many other uses including helping me sit more comfortably in those weeks I was healing. I didn’t discover this until about a week and a half in, but it will be great for next time! But back to breastfeeding…
Based on the lactation specialist’s advice, I started taking Fenugreek. I also tried to increase my water intake even more although that has never been an issue for me. I’m a water drinker and have been for a long time. After reading more about supply issues, I also began eating oatmeal at least twice a day. These steps were just the beginning of what I would do to try to increase my supply.
On Sunday, the lactation consultant called to see how W was doing. I explained that he was latching decently but continued to fall asleep and that his jaundice wasn’t getting any better. In fact, if I’m honest, it was getting worse. That was when she told me something that upset me and gave me comfort at the same time. She said that we probably needed to start supplementing with some formula.
Now, I know many people want to tell me how this advice was the first step towards a downward spiral. Perhaps it was, but my son was not getting enough to eat. He was lethargic and he was jaundiced. We were very close to a trip to the hospital. I’m sure he had lost even more weight. I was not pumping enough during my pumping sessions to keep him fed. I was not even pumping 1/2 an ounce total from both breasts. It wasn’t enough.
Even though I wanted to hear someone I believed knew what they were talking about tell me what to do, it made me extremely emotional. I wanted her to tell me to give him some formula but when she did, it brought up so many emotions. Still, it had to be done. At the time I was upset and I didn’t understand why we were struggling. I prayed so often during those first few weeks. I prayed for help, I prayed for my supply, and I cried a lot. Looking back, I know that the emotional stress I was experiencing during those early days didn’t help the situation at all but it wasn’t something I could change at the time.
So, my mom went out and picked up some ready-to-feed formula and we added it into our routine. I would put W to the breast, then finger feed him with the syringe (first any pumped breast milk then formula), and then I would pump while someone burped W. No matter what anyone wants to say about using formula, it helped. We began to see a change in W within a day. He was less lethargic and he was a good eater! He didn’t fall asleep when being finger fed and he was eating! Every ounce of formula I gave him felt like failure at the time. It was hard for me not to cry while giving it to him even though I was seeing an improvement.
I wouldn’t let anyone help me with it. My mom and J both offered to do the finger feeding as I was still against using a bottle because I didn’t want to add one more thing to the mix that might make it more challenging. So it was syringe after syringe of breast milk then formula. After a few days I did let them help with the finger feeding because it enabled me to sit down and pump a bit quicker which gave me a bit of breathing room in the cycle.
Eventually I began to pump a bit more milk although it was not nearly enough to meet W’s needs even when he was only 2 weeks old. So the cycle continued. I purchased an SNS (Supplemental Nursing System), hoping to encourage him to stay on the breast longer but it was more of a frustration than anything else. I would get it right sometimes and then I would get extremely frustrated during the nursing sessions when I couldn’t get it working. Breast milk would be dripping all over the place and watching those little drops I’d worked so hard to get soaking into blankets and clothing was overwhelming. Those sessions would leave me crying which I knew wasn’t helping the situation at all.
There were moments of success during these first few weeks. There were nursing sessions when W would latch on right away and be productive on the breast for 15-20 minutes. Those were the moments that gave me hope. I read somewhere that being a mother was not about my own emotional needs, but about the needs of my child. That helped me to cope with every ounce of formula I gave him because I knew I was helping to meet his physical needs. The amount of milk I was able to pump began to increase slightly but even an extra mL or two gave me hope! The days when I was able to pump 1/2 an ounce total in one session were days when I thought something just might work out! I sure was working hard at it and hard work deserves some reward, right?
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We sure can be so hard on ourselves. Thank you for sharing – I know this isn’t easy
please keep posting your story…I am working through these same issues with my 10 day old but add to my story cracked blistered nipples with a very good latch. I would love to hear that in the end it works out.
Hi Ashley – I too struggled with cracking and bleeding in the beginning. 8 months later we are still nursing. If you wanted to read about some obstacles (some with success stories) check out my post here: http://www.darcyandbrian.com/?p=626
There are also other breastfeeding obstacle themed posts linked at the end.
Wow, mama! That sounds so similar to the journey I’ve been on this time around with my 6 month old. We are still going back in a month for weight checks to make sure he’s going up now that we’ve added solids. We used the SNS, I used syringes and the whole bit. I didn’t do finger feedings though. I bought a pump for the first time with this baby, and hesitated to do so, because pumps rarely do better than an ounce for me too. I can express more by hand, but it took so long that I don’t have time between feedings! I would also love to hear more. You gave it your all, and should be proud first and foremost of providing his nourishment, no matter what the form!
You had me in tears on this one. I know that must have been a very difficult time for you. And writing it has to be hard too! I know it’s helping other mamas though so thank you for sharing your story!
Your story breaks my heart. I was there. My son was exactly the same way. I did have what I like to refer to as a “formula-friendly” pediatrician. I did have to supplement and I cried and cried and cried. Eventually, T did get some sort of breast milk every day for 6 months. He may not have been exclusively fed that but he got something.
I found that pumping only hurt my already short supply. What did help was Gatorade. Water ran right through me and so was not hanging around enough to hydrate me correctly. The days where I drank 20 oz of Gatorade throughout the day were ones where I noticed my son GULPING at my breast – wow!
It is a heart-breaking, exhausting process. But I’m like you – I worked my butt off and am now proud to say I did it.
Yes..thanks for sharing your story…we had problems too.
Thank you for sharing. It is heartbreaking when you have all these plans & they just don’t work the way we want them too. I have 2 wonderful boys, 3 & 16 months. I tried nursing both of them. The first we did exclusively for 1 month, but we just couldn’t get it figured out. He wasn’t a latch & stay latched kind of kid, it was horrible, one nursing session would take over an hour & then I’d be starting all over again, I was exhausted & beginning to resent everything. So for the sake of both of us, I switched to formula. With my second little guy, we did GREAT for 3.5 months, then the mastitis kicked in FULL force & I was in so much pain I’d rather have delivered him again each time. We actually got through that (with a little supplementing because he would NOT take breast milk from a bottle). Then after that he’d nurse & it was great, then as soon as he finished for 2 hours (yes 2 hours) afterwards it felt like someone was stabbing me in the breast with an ice pick OVER & OVER again. I was not sleeping & he was feeding more. So we made the switch.
Looking back I wish I’d stuck it out with both of them a little longer, maybe we could have made it work. But I didn’t & there is no going back now, they are happy healthy wonderful little boys who are bonded to me as much as they would have been.
It is tough to read the blogs that are breast is best & if you have formula feed you are an evil, horrible mother who should have her kids taken away. Thank you for being honest.
It just doesn’t always work out the way we’d like. Enjoy every day – they go by SO fast.
We went through many of your challenges too, though not the jaundice. We did supplement with formula too, and still do. I think the most important thing is that you (and I) wanted the best for our babies, even if it wasn’t the way we expected the best to be when we were pregnant. I had to have a csection and didn’t expect that either. I wasn’t happy about it, but the fact that my son is here and was ok was far more important than anything else. Thanks for sharing, I wish I had read this before I went through it all, and maybe it will help someone who is pregnant now.
wow, this sounds so much like our story, it brings back so many memories. I had the same situation with my twins, and I remember the relief when the told me to supplement while at the same time resenting that bottle of formula SO MUCH! Crying through feedings, pumping till I was so sore I couldn’t bear to touch my boobs…I am now a formula-feeding mama of twins. I hope to nurse my next little one but will not put the pressure on myself that I did because my babies are healthy and strong. Thank you for sharing!!
I just wanted to let you know how much I can relate to you and your story! I too did all the research and was bound and determined that breastfeeding was the ONLY way!
My son, however, was tongue-tied at birth, which meant his latch was not create, which caused me to crack, blister and bleed. The first 10 days were hell because he was jaundice and needed to be eating more, which meant more feedings, which meant I would have to endure painful feedings more often. I had a lactation consultant and public health nurse telling me to get his tongue clipped, and my family physician telling me to give him formula. I found a doctor finally who clipped it, and J’s latch improved. But he too would fall asleep quickly. At 5 weeks, he hadn’t regained his birthweight and we spent 10 days in hospital trying to figure out what was wrong. It came down to low milk supply. I remember giving him the first bottle of formula in the hospital and feeling like a huge failure.
After that I began pumping ever 2 hours, taking a medication for upping milk supply, and using the supplementor at every feeding as well. I hated giving him the formula, but he was gaining weight. He then got colitis – which is irritation in the colon/bowels, which shows as blood in the stool. This was determined to be caused by milk protein in formula and in my milk. So we switched to a specialty formula (twice the cost of normal) and I am on a no soy and no milk diet. My son is 2 months old now, and is continuing to gain weight, but my milk supply really hasn’t gained as much as I would like – despite pumping like a dairy cow. I feel like I am being judged by others when I bottle feed my baby (after I breastfeed whatever he will take), but am coming to terms with this being my new “normal”… It has been frustrating, but I can relate to the feeling like our babies are worth it. I just thought I would share with you my story, as it was neat to stumble across such a similar story! Thanks for sharing! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone!
I read this for the first time today. This describes almost exactly my BFing journey with Baby #1. It breaks my heart that we wanted to BF SO badly and it didn’t work. Oh well, it is what it is, but just know that I can totally relate!
My second developed recurrent thrush and he also was struggling to gain weight, so I kicked BFing early with him and I’ll tell you, it wasn’t the easiest decision, but it was the best for all of us!
Thanks for sharing!
This reminds me so much of when my son was a newborn.. it was drinking more than 20 oz of formula a day..but eventually I was able to cut out the formula and am proud to say I am still EBF my 20 month old son